My first post on here I metaphorically intend to represent new beginnings. The past 6-8 months have been difficult, no doubt but I also have no doubt that the end of the pain is in sight.
We all go through a time or times in our lives when we experience vast and very challenging pain. I would never have thought that I could say and believe whilst enduring it, that there is an end to the trouble and sadness that we do experience. I may not know specifically about the challenge you're enduring but we all have our own story filled with happiness, joy, grace, sadness, loss and romance. Everyone's story is different but there's something similar in everyone's.
I'm not sure when exactly the tiredness and problems began, but it was gradual. I think the first stage I can remember is roughly October of last year. I began to drift into a constant state of fatigue but it was bearable, I also was dealing with some stress due to family issues. It was okay, it was bearable. It gradually progressed into something that has become almost unbearable. I remember the regular visits to the doctor. He then referred me to a cardiologist. I wasn't sure what to expect. I'd already previously faced one of my biggest fears: getting blood taken, and this experience was guaranteed to teach me something else.
Turns out, my heart was fine, thank goodness. However, of course I was thankful but in a strange way I just wanted to know what was wrong with me, you know? Well, I went back to the cardiologist and he was still concerned because if the symptoms i was experiencing so he gave me a halter monitor to wear for 24 hours. There were multiple sticky patches attached all over my chest which connected to individual wires and then into a box machine which hung around my waist. Yep, this was one of the most uncomfortable things to sleep with. Anyway, this was around January time of this year. We didn't hear from the cardiologist until several months later.
In April, my symptoms had certainly worsened and I was in a constant state of severe fatigue, feeling very light headed and strong weakness. I was also experiencing some horrible heart palpitations regularly. Just before my birthday in April I had to do something which ended up deeply hurting me in a lot of ways. I had an anxiety attack and became very stressed as a result of the experience in general.
Later in April, I was having a weekend full of heightened and worsened symptoms but I kept going as usual. I was getting ready for youth group and after getting out of the shower I collapsed and didn't know where I was and was extremely drowsy and confused. I slept from about 6pm until late the next morning and I seemed to wake up even more exhausted. That afternoon I went to casualty because I hadn't improved. Casualty brought some big realisations to me. I think, sitting in a room with dull grey lights and moaning people with no phone battery is great in a very strange way. I sat in the same place for 6 hours, during this time I had blood taken and a heart scan. Michael, the doctor who spoke to me, told me that both were clear. He asked general questions to ensure there was nothing sinister, and there didn't seem to be. As I stood up to walk out of the casualty ward at midnight, Michael shook my hand and told me, "Jessica, don't lose hope because it won't always be like this, it will get better for you. I wish you the very best." Or something to that effect. I tried to force myself to remember because it seemed so encouraging and important, and it was, no, it is. I think of what Michael told me, a lot. That night, I realised that this was not the end, in fact, it was just the beginning. Every flower must grow through dirt and I think we do, too.
However, I also became very agitated and irritated that night. I guess that's partly down to the tiredness and pain I was and and had been feeling. There was something that was really getting to me, I remember coming home and being completely stupid and shouting (over text) at a friend, I guess not knowing what was wrong with me just got too much. I remember saying things like "There's no point." and "No one can help me, why do I bother sitting in a room for 8 hours to be told 'we don't know' as per usual." Well, to some degree, I guess I still feel like that sometimes. However, there is a point.
After sticking out some of the most challenging experiences of my life, I am who I am. I have met some very influential, inspiring and encouraging people along the way and many of them have grown to become my friends, best friends and Starbuck's coffee run partner. I guess in many ways my life would have been easier without endless trips to see doctors, therapists and people who simply don't know the answer, but is a so called easier life really a better life?
Today, the 28th of June 2013, I can say and believe that there is hope and there is an end to any struggles that you may be enduring. I am not there yet, but I know that I'm getting there. I have learnt from the late night reassuring phonecalls, inspiring doctors words, tears, deep metaphors and my family that there is a point. The point is - well, I'll let you think that over for yourself.
"How will I ever get out of this labyrinth!"
You just need to repent, forgive and love.
Have faith.
